


Alexander Hamilton And For Fucks Sake Stop Trying To Bottle Feed The Toaster -- A Third Biography by John Laurens

by Riddleisourking, ThiefOfADHD



Series: The Misadventures of Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens: The Many Reasons Why Alexander Hamilton Is Actually A Toddler [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: I have sinned so much, John is the worst toaster father, John you can't just put toast into your baby wtf, M/M, This is a crack fic fam, for i have sinned, lord help me, someone help me, toaster fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 10:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11507400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riddleisourking/pseuds/Riddleisourking, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThiefOfADHD/pseuds/ThiefOfADHD
Summary: It was the sunniest of Sundays in this, the year of our Lord, Jesus Christ, our savior from all things gay and happy when a pretty little toaster showed up on the front steps of Alex and John’s house. Where did this toaster come from and why did it look so familiar?Aka: The story in which someone (probably Burr) abandoned a toaster on the doorstep of two homos and they adopt it and treat it like their very own baby.





	Alexander Hamilton And For Fucks Sake Stop Trying To Bottle Feed The Toaster -- A Third Biography by John Laurens

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, I am not

Winter came and passed quickly and it was the twenty-first of March in this, the year of our Lord, and Alexander was by himself. Let’s let him tell it.

Alex was sitting on the couch, violently abusing the power of his laptop by calling Jefferson names in yet another email. Whether or not his calmness was due to his rage being entirely in his fingers or if it was just because he had just woken up from his nap, (he’s like five years old so yes he does still take naps shut up) he was finding his calling Jefferson a ‘hot pink vibrator’ was quite appropriate. He finally sent the rest of his email, when there was a knock on the door.

“John!” He called loudly, looking around the house. He sat there for a minute before setting the laptop aside, getting up with a frown as he went over to the door, opening it. When he saw nobody there except for the toaster on the ground, he decided that he’d do the most suitable thing.

And that’s how, currently, Alex was sitting on the couch with a toaster wrapped up in a blanket, trying to feed it with a bottle. Not a baby bottle, no just an empty bottle of Sam Adams beer. Alex is drunk. But Alex doesn’t care, he’s got a toaster baby.

 

* * *

 

 

And that's what John walked in on when he got home from work, smelling a lot like the flowers that he was always around, “Alex?” The latino went and sat on the couch next to him with a frown. “Why do you have a toaster wrapped up in a blanket and why are you giving it beer?” He reached down and snagged a bottle, popping the cap off on the coffee table as he did so and he drank. 

“Someone put it on our doorstep and it’s our daughter now. We don’t have baby bottles. It’s empty. I’m trying to be a good father, dammit!” Alex laid his head on John, hiccuping as he showed him the toaster. “She has your eyes, you raging homo.” He whispered.

John's eyes fell down to the metal toaster and he frowned- are those… there were googly eyes on the toaster, “Okay, look, how about I make us some toast-”

“JOHN YOU ARE NOT USING OUR DAUGHTER FOR LABOR!” Alex held the toaster tightly in his arms, tears filling his eyes. “She’s just a baby!”

John paused as he looked at his drunk boyfriend and he gently covered him up with a blanket, “Okay, okay. How about you take a nap while I make spaghetti, huh? You can't be drunk around our kid. What would she think?” He asked softly as he pushed his auburn locks behind his ear.

Alex looked between John and the toaster, guilt filling him as he started crying. “You’re right! I’m a bad father!” He sobbed, burying his face into John’s chest. “I’m gonna end up being the deadbeat drunk dad and our- our daughter’s gonna be made fun of in school!”

“No, no, hey, Alex. Honey.” He cupped his face and he gently thumbed away his tears. “It's okay, you were just taking a break. Our daughter, hey, she understands. She still loves her papa.”

He hiccuped, sniffling as he moved closer to John. “She- she does? She really does?” He asked, a sad look in his eyes as he held their toaster son close. “I- is she mad that I tried to feed her beer?” He asked, cuddling up to John with a small yawn. “I didn’t know what to do, I’ve never cared for a baby before.”

“She's not mad but she wants you to go sleep, honey. Can you do that for her?” He gently took the wrapped up toaster and held it close. “I'll take care of our baby.”

“Thank you.” He whispered, kissing John’s cheek as he moved to lay down on the couch, and within a few seconds, he was out and drooling all over the couch pillows.

John sighed as he got up and he took the bundle of joy with him as he made spaghetti. If he was lucky, the alcohol would leave Alex's system and they would chuck the damn toaster out together. But first, he took a shot glass out and poured himself a liberal amount of rum and he drank as he cooked.

 

* * *

 

 

When Alex woke up, he rolled off the couch and got up, walking into the kitchen before hugging John from behind. “Babe.” He cooed, rubbing his chest. “Sweetheart, notice me.” He whispered, kissing his neck sweetly.

John was holding a small toaster in his arms and the toaster had a pink bow on it, “Mm… H- hey Alex.” He leaned against him heavily.

“Did you decide to give her a pretty bow?” He asked softly, kissing his cheek happily.

“Yeah, she wanted one.” He slurred as he buried his face into his side.

“Have you thought of any names for her yet?” He asked, stroking his hair gently. “She needs a name.”

“M-Maria. Maria Laurens Hamilton.” He whispered as he gazed down at their daughter with affection in his eyes.

Alex cooed at Maria, smiling. “Do we still have those false eyelashes from when I lost that dare and had to dress in drag for a week?”

“I think so. They're in the… the closet.” He yawned as he drifted off on Alex for a bit.

He chuckled, carefully taking John to the couch to lay him down before taking Maria the Toaster Child into his hands, going on the hunt for the fake eyelashes.

 

* * *

 

 

A week later, John was eating his eggs and staring at the toaster that had a bow, eyelashes, googly eyes, and a dress on it. He was going to go crazy at this point. The toaster didn't even make toast! It was practically useless.

“Alex!” He called loudly.

“What?” Alex came in, having just gotten out of the shower and was only in a towel. “What’s up, babe?”

“It's time to get rid of Maria.” He said, he was putting his foot down on this. They couldn't keep a broken toaster.

Alex nodded, looking at the toaster as he picked it up, swallowing hard. “For a toaster, she was a damn good kid.” He whispered, throwing the toaster into the trash can as he soon sat down on the ground.

“I think… I think it's time for us to start looking into adopting an actual baby or surrogacy, Alex.” John whispered as he kneeled down next to him.

Alex nodded, hugging John tightly. “Okay.” He whispered, nuzzling him gently. “Can we adopt though? That way we can make sure that a child can have parents?” He looked at him sadly. 

John knew the importance of this to his boyfriend, so he nodded. “It might take a few years but yeah, we can definitely adopt.”

Alex laid his head on him gently, letting his wet hair soak John’s shoulder. “I love you.” He whispered softly, looking into his eyes lovingly.

“I love you too, Alex.” He smiled genuinely as he leaned in and kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> Sad reacts only


End file.
